Planning for Two Weddings: The Cross-Cultural Couple's Dream (or Nightmare?)

I have started prepping for my upcoming trip to Turkey, and besides buying gifts, I'm starting to make a list of all the things I need to accomplish before I get on that plane, as well as everything I hope to do while in Turkey.

Besides work and school requirements that consistently hover in the background and foreground of my life, for the past several months wedding planning has really gotten underway.  I have many 'party-planning' duties (or decisions) I need to take care of here in the USA, and in Turkey as well.

Many little girls dream of their wedding day.  They may draw pictures of themselves as a bride in a beautiful, white princess gown, or imagine all the special moments, or start collecting items for their future home. 

I was not one of those little girls.

The only time I can recall my younger self dreaming about a wedding was after a trip to India.  "I want an Indian wedding!"  I told my mother after I came home.  The colors, the music, the procession, the henna night and the celebration - I loved this idea of a wedding.  But my destiny was not to have this type of wedding.  I am an American and thus American wedding it is (and now, a Turkish wedding as well - so I get my henna night after all!)

When I actually became engaged to H. and the prospect of planning a wedding became a reality, I told everyone "I just want a simple wedding".  Little did I know that my idea of a "simple wedding" was an oxymoron.  A true simple wedding would be driving to city hall and saying "I do" with two witnesses and a couple of signatures (which I have often contemplated doing in recent weeks). 

My false hope of simplicity was having a family affair, in an outdoor setting, with tasteful food and a informal attire.  It seemed so simple - as in "not fancy" - but the reality is "not fancy" does not equal simplicity.  There are so many details, so many decisions and so many expectations that come with a wedding.  Unfortunately, all of these many different components, along with my ill-defined concept of simplicity, have led to several explosions in the wedding planning process.

At this point I have come to terms that my wedding will not be simple, and I will have to compromise with family wishes for certain traditions and details that they feel are important.  I also have to accept that I am not so simple and that my family is not so simple as well - differing world views and values are at the core of many of our complications.  They are who they are, and I am who I am - but, in the end we all love each other and hopefully that is enough to accept was is.

Throughout this mentally-challenging American process I have held the hope that wedding planning in Turkey will be different.  (See we will be having TWO weddings…not so simple at all.)  As I have learned through H. and his family, wedding are typically at a local salon and that there are far fewer decisions that have to be made (as compared to American weddings).  The wedding is fairly standard with some minor personal details.  You see - I don't think they have The Knot, or all the thousands of wedding websites that explain just how important it is for you to personalize every wedding detail down to the cocktail napkins.

Cocktail napkins like these...

With a Turkish marriage there is more focus on "opening" a house or apartment.  The couple are moving in together and they need to create a home.  This home is prepared with all new furniture, appliances, curtains and all the appropriate accessories in advance of the wedding.  The night of the wedding, the couple arrive exhausted to their new home with a full fridge and all the details in place.   In Turkey, the real money is spent in prepping the house for a lifetime and not on flowers that die the next day or little matchbooks that say your name and wedding date for all the guests to take home and remember the special day. 

Well I guess I am blatantly showing my bias here (and overstating some of the details a bit, if I may). 

Through my experience thus far, I am realizing that the 'typical' American wedding is primarily a reflection of our consumer culture and an exaggeration of etiquette and tradition (the average cost of an American wedding is around $27,000!!!!!!).  But, but, but...perhaps it doesn't have to be so.  By trying to keep our purchases local and straightforward, H. and I are trying to needle out some of the blatant consumerism.  We are trying to keep the day real and true to ourselves, which means a little Turklish, with a combination of American customs and some added Turkish details. 

To be fair, our Turkish wedding may not be as easy and simple to plan as I am envisioning - I shall soon find out.

During our trip this December-January we will be making decisions with regard to our upcoming wedding - what food and beverages will be served, what invitations we will order, who will play the music, and more.  The "more" will hopefully not be too difficult.  At least I can sit back and ride through this one - my Turkish is in no condition for negotiations.   I'll let conventions be what they are and I'll keep the decision making easy and straight forward.  Or so I hope.

Gift Giving and Packing for a Trip to Turkey

In about three weeks I will be getting on an airplane and heading to Turkey for a month-long trip.  Although I've already planned out (in  my head, of course) most of what I will bring, there are still some loose ends to tie up regarding gifts.

Tis' the season for gift giving so it shouldn't be all that difficult, right?  Black Friday was just a couple days ago and with Cyber Monday knocking on the door there are plenty of "super deals" out there to be had.  I've never played into these big shopping days and I'm fairly certain that it is all a scam, but the reality is that I do need to do some shopping fairly soon and I'm looking for ideas.

I love this!  Kudos to Owen Good at Kotaku for finding an old movie poster that seems to truly reflect the essence of the shopping Black Friday - "man-made monster is on the loose!"

"Why do I need to bring gifts?"  You might wonder. 

While some people in Turkey might celebrate Christmas (like Christians and ex-pats).  H.'s family does not.  Christmas will be just like any other day for them - except that H.'s nephew is turning two, so that should make it a fun, special day.

Gifts are not to celebrate any particular holiday, but instead are given as a response to warm hospitality.  Typical Turkish etiquette involves bringing chocolate or flowers to the host when invited for dinner.  On our last trip H. and I were invited to many, many dinners and breakfasts and afternoon teas and even for midnight fruit….    I loved it!  Meeting relatives and spending time eating good food with laughter all around - what's not to love.  Even though I only understood about 50% of what went on (and that was mostly due to H.'s translations) I enjoyed the atmosphere. 

I was prepared on that last trip with some local-themed gifts, but I did not expect to be getting gifts as well!  As our trip winded down and we were getting ready to leave, H.'s relatives surprised me with the most generous presents - many different locally made Turkish handicrafts - the best possible gifts for a girl like me.   I was taken aback by all the generosity - and this was aside from the overflowing hospitality I received throughout the entire trip. 

Now I am heading back to Turkey where we will attend wonderful family dinners and breakfasts and teas.  I am planning to head back with my arms full. 

I'm still brainstorming some good gift ideas.  Here is what we have so far: Ghirardelli chocolates, a combination of souvenirs that we have purchased on several trips in the past 18 months, some locally handmade gifts and toys for some of the young kids.

Despite the Italian name, Ghirardelli's is a true American company
(or as far as I could tell)
(Image from Ghirardelli Website )

I'm looking to fill up my suitcase - any suggestions?  

Finding My Motivation Again at "The Everyday Language Learner "

Studying a language can be an exciting, exhausting and exhilarating experience.  There are days where it feels like it will be impossible to become fluent or to even be able to communicate well enough to buy a bottle of water.  Then there are days when you are feeling the rush as you understand a full conversation for the first time or you are able to communicate without doing simultaneous translations in your head.

When I began my Turkish language learning journey I started scanning the internet to find free or cheap resources that I could use to teach myself.  It surprised me how much I found.  There is quite a bit out there and in varying different forms to satisfy all types of learners.  I am putting together a list of these resources, which is posted as a separate page called "Turkish Language Resources" on this blog.

For now, I'd like to bring your attention to an excellent language coach.  Aaron Myers has created an amazing resource for self-directed language learners over at the Everyday Language Learner Blog, which covers a wide range of  language learning methods and self-directed language learning tools.  Aaron also spent some time living in Turkey and has a particular expertise in Turkish language tools. 

The blog banner for the EDLL site
(Copyright: Aaron Myers)

What I like about Aaron's writing is that he makes very clear recommendations for both starting and continuing the language learning process.  He does not sugar coat the difficulties or shy away from discussing the pitfalls - he gives an honest overview of his journey and what has and has not helped him and he provides some excellent guidelines for setting goals and planning your language learning activities.

In his most recent post, Aaron discusses how to make a plan that will lead you to your end goal.  He lays out the first few phases to get a learner on the right track. 

Stage 1 involves exploring available language learning resources, finding your learning style, working on immediate language needs and connecting with a native speaker.

The latter stages involve daily conversations with native speakers, reading some interesting material in the target language, developing vocabulary, working with a tutor and writing journal entries. 

I've been on the Turkish learning path for about 2 years now - at times spending around 10-15 hours a week studying and attending classes.  Now it's down to about 2-3 hours a week….

It's time for me to me to re-evaluate my progress and start taking action.  Aaron has a lot of posts that provide ideas on quick and easy language learning activities that, when combined, create an effective plan forward, for example:

40 Simple Ways to Learn Another Language 

Language Learning Tips: Extensive and Repeated Listening

10 Ideas for Learning a New Language Five Minutes at a Time

Also, for a great overview article of Aaron's strategy and useful links, check out:

The Six Pillars of Successful Language Learning

So what is my action step today?

I signed up (for the second time) for Aaron's Ten Week Journey course that consists of a series of emails that come each week and provide useful tips and encouragement for language learning.

(Which you can sign up for by clicking on "the ten week journey" image on all of his blog pages)

Just go to The Everyday Language Learner Blog and
click on this image to get signed up for Aaron's Ten Week Journey and get ready to be inspired!

I'm also going to spend some time this weekend putting together my plan for the next few weeks before I head to Turkey.  I plan on taking advantage of the month in Turkey to tune up my Turkish and expand my vocabulary, but first I want to be ready to go there.  Some review is definitely in order.

Do any of you have any ideas to help guide the language learning process?   Feel free to share ideas and experiences in the comments below.